


The Terrifying Weapon That Is A Rutabaga (And A Carrot)

by Runic_Purple_Panda



Category: Hannibal (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Complete, M/M, Yes you read that right, root vegetables as weapons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4361606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runic_Purple_Panda/pseuds/Runic_Purple_Panda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They always made the same face when they saw his ring, Frederick noticed.  Always the one that said, “Who in their right mind would marry Frederick Chilton?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Terrifying Weapon That Is A Rutabaga (And A Carrot)

**Author's Note:**

> AUish for Harry Potter. Shortly after blowing up Marge and leaving the Dursleys behind, Harry’s confronted by Sirius Black, who, upon seeing the state living with the Dursleys leaves Harry in, whisks him off to America, where some of Lily’s other relatives live. Neither return to Britain.
> 
> As for who the relatives are, you’ll see one later in the story (not an OC).

They always made the same face when they saw his ring, Frederick noticed. Dr. Bloom, Mr. Graham, Agent Crawford, even the great Dr. Lecter had made the same face. Always the one that said, “Who in their right mind would marry Frederick Chilton?” A few years before he had met his husband, the looks might have even made him uncomfortable. But now, they were little more than mildly amusing, if slightly annoying.

“So, when do we get to meet the lovely Mrs. Chilton?” Lecter asked, gesturing to Frederick’s ring.

“I’m afraid my husband rarely leaves the house,” Frederick answered, savoring the surprise on everyone’s faces, “even with me telling him how wonderful your dinners are, Dr. Lecter.”

“Husband, not wife?” Graham asked, a confused tilt to his head.

“Women are too high maintenance,” Frederick said. Bloom’s face took a considerably offended, frowning look to it.

“How did you meet, if I may ask?” Lecter asked.

“He nearly hit me with his car and then threw a rutabaga at my head.”

There was stunned silence for a few moments before Graham snorted in laughter, “A rutabaga?”

Frederick smiled, “You laugh now, but rutabagas are a terrifying weapon, and hurt far more than you think. And they bounce.”

Apart from Graham, the others looked at him in disbelief, so he added, “Nothing is more undignified than two grown men having a food fight in a parking lot.”

“The parking lot?” Crawford asked, skeptically.

“It’s where our groceries were. Well, it’s where his groceries were. I hadn’t bought mine yet. I offered to pay for his groceries. He offered to pay for my dry cleaning. And then he asked me out to dinner.”

“You got a dinner date out of a food fight?” Bloom asked, sounding mildly impressed.

“Yes I did,” Frederick said, sounding very pleased with himself.

The dinner conversation moved on to other topics, but before he left, Frederick made sure to invite all of Dr. Lecter’s dinner guests (and Dr. Lecter himself of course) to dinner, so they could meet his husband.

* * *

Crawford was the first to arrive, shaking Frederick’s husband’s hand with an incredulous look, “Jack Crawford. Pleased to meet you. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think you existed. Still not sure about the first meeting story he told.”

“Rutabagas are a terrifying weapon in my hands. My aim is without equal. Harry, and the pleasures all mine. Sitting room is through there. Don’t mind the dog. He’s gentle. Bathroom is third door on the right.”

Lecter arrived next. “I am pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“I’m pleased to make yours as well Dr. Lecter,” Harry said, before repeated the directions.

Graham and Bloom showed up together.

“Did you really meet Dr. Chilton in a parking lot food fight?” Graham asked.

“Yep. After I nearly hit him with my car,” Harry said, smiling.

“Hey, Harry, where do you keep the unopened salad dressings?” a voice called from the kitchen.

“Freddie Lounds is here?” Bloom asked.

“She and I share great-grandparents,” Harry said. “Fourth cabinet to the left of the fridge.”

Graham looked uncomfortable, so Harry assured him, “She knows better than to post anything said during dinner. If she does, she doesn’t get any more of my desserts.”

“Your desserts can keep her in line?” Graham asked, looking amused.

“My desserts can keep anyone in line,” Harry said, smiling again. “Sitting room is just through there. Don’t mind Padfoot. He’s a giant softie, I swear. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."

* * *

Will and Alana entered the sitting room to see Jack and Hannibal both engaged in a staring contest with a large, bear-like, black dog, and Chilton watching both of them with an amused look on his face.

“I take it that’s Padfoot?” Will asked.

“Yes,” Chilton answered. “He’s been with Harry forever.”

Padfoot suddenly stood up, proving himself to be even larger than Will had first estimated, and making Jack rear back in surprise. He walked over to the chair Will chose to sit in and then laid on top of Will’s feet.

Hannibal sniffed, as if to say that meant he won the staring contest by default.

* * *

“So, is your work anything like Criminal Minds?” Harry asked, after dinner was served.

“Not quite the same, but certainly similar,” Crawford said. “We do make profiles of serial killers that help us catch them, but we don’t travel all over the US. There are other offices to take care of those cases.”

“Take our current case, the Chesapeake Ripper. He’ll be an older man in his mid-forties with a surgical background of some sort.”

“You did a surgery stint, didn’t you Fred?” Freddie asked.

“I did, very poorly, and don’t call me Fred, Fred,” Frederick answered. Being called Fred annoyed both of them. Naturally, this meant they called each other little else.

“Well, I supposed that means Dr. Chilton could be the Chesapeake Ripper,” Crawford said. Harry nodded, and then burst into giggly laughter.

“That’s not funny,” Frederick said.

“You, the Chesapeake Ripper, that’s hilarious,” Harry said.

“How is that hilarious?” Frederick demanded.

“You remember that time we went deer hunting, darling? Remember what happen when you shot that doe?”

Frederick huffed, but remained silent. Graham said, “Now I have to ask.”

“He killed the doe and then started crying about having killed Bambi’s mom. Frederick couldn’t handle killing a deer. There’s no way he’s the Chesapeake Ripper.”

“I hate you,” Frederick muttered, as their dinner guests chuckled or outright laughed at the story.

“No you don’t,” Harry said.

“No I don’t,” Frederick agreed, “but I’m still punishing you for that later.”

“Promises, promises.” Frederick rolled his eyes.

* * *

The rest of the dinner went off without a hitch. Will did admit that Harry’s desserts could keep anyone in line. As they all left, Hannibal began plotting.

Both Jack and Will had heard Chilton promising to punish his husband. If his husband was the next victim of the Chesapeake Ripper, suspicion would fall right back on Chilton. With Miriam’s falsified memories, and a dead husband, Hannibal’s amusement was sure to grow.

But, perhaps, he should avoid the man if he had a rutabaga nearby. No sense in taking unnecessary risks after all.

* * *

Harry was lucky he still had the reflexes he had back when he was the Gryffindor Seeker, or he might not have managed to roll out of the way, even if he did knock quite a bit off the island counters in the process. He grasped blindly for a weapon, keeping his eye on his attacker – Dr. Lecter from dinner the other night. Finally his hand landed on something he could use.

Luckily, for Dr. Lecter, it was not a rutabaga. Unluckily, for Dr. Lecter, it was a carrot. Carrots did not bounce. But apparently, if pointy enough, and if thrown with enough force, they could stab a person.

Lecter’s shock at being stabbed with a carrot gave Harry enough time to grab his wand, stun the man, and remove his memories of Harry casting a spell, before he called 911. The Chesapeake Ripper would never live down being taken out by a root vegetable, especially once Freddie wrote about it on her site.

Frederick Chilton took great pleasure in bringing it up every time he passed Lecter’s cell.

Will Graham and Jack Crawford occasionally came to visit, usually separately, but typically broke into giggles before they could say anything. Even Alana Bloom had trouble keeping a straight face the one time she came to visit. The goodbye she gave Lecter gained a standing ovation from Chilton and the guards.

“Goodbye, Hannibal. Be good. And eat your vegetables. They’re good for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please imagine Miriam was found, Will’s encephalitis was found, Abigail was safe, everyone was safe, and everyone lived Happily Ever After, because I’m a sucker for happy endings.
> 
> Also imagine that every time someone complained about how Hannibal fed them humans, Harry and Freddie would gleefully reply, “I didn’t. I never went to one of his dinner parties./I’m a vegetarian.”
> 
> Don’t imagine Harry having grasped a rutabaga and throwing it, and it smacking Hannibal in the nose with a satisfying crunching sound.


End file.
